DO YOU WANT ME

井上春一『inoue haruichi』: a fox, a tod, a man, a nod to a greater divinity, but one who will never reach, but seeks, the hand of god. in love with yuzu, careful around OMIKAZE.

臣風|柚子『OMIKAZE | yuzu』: a man in the maze, a man of many faces, a girl, a girl-thing, unwinged, the descendant of the gemstone heart-god who made heaven and designed the heavenly game of time

HARU: do you want me. or am i just a fuck. i'd be fine with that, too. that's just my luck.

YUZU: 【オマエは俺の事がすきてもいいだが、本当に大丈夫かな。。。全然よくないと思うんだろうなー】for two of us who love each other, I wonder if it's possible to reach one another. I wonder if such a thing is possible at all.DO YOU KNOW ME AS I AM OR AS I WAS.do I know me as I am or as I will be, SEE?

do I know me as I am or as I will be

HARU: your body is cold, yuzu. are you okay?

OMIKAZE: I WONDER IF YOU KNOW WHAT I AM. I wonder if you will see this thing that yuzu could be, could have been, may still be, like cinadine, like cinder, like cin.DICEMBER, DEER'S EMBER, DEER'S GRACE - do you know us, and the way we weave heaven's lace?

HARU: i don't know, omikaze. tell me, won't you?_{... you won't tell me at all.}LET ME TALK NOW, OMIKAZE, OKAY? i have something to say. something to tell you.will you hear me?

二卵【FUTAGO = omikaze + yuzu】: what's happening to us, harucchi. do you know...?what did you want to tell me, tell me while i still can hear...this is yuzu, i think, do you know?no...that's not quite right.

HARU: it's going to be okay, omikaze. it's going to be okay, yuzu. you two, it's going to be okay. 大丈夫なの。i wanted to tell omikaze i loved you, yuzu. but it's okay if you hear, too.THE SHAPE OF LOVE, 愛の形, IS two eggs joined at the hip, lip, two of schrodinger's chicks.

yuzu: schrodinger's chicks...the black box of the brain is...they say, i think, that the brain is a black box.you see what goes in, and what comes out, but you don't know what happens inside the box.the neuros i go to for my migraines, or went to, before they proved...worse than useless...they said that the brain is separate from, from the...心、心臓。your heart of hearts, your chambered heart.

HARU: the thing about it all, the thing about GO, is that it's about philosophy.

yuzu: the brain is not "you," in their minds...it is an organ with certain specific functions that must not be conflated with "psychiatric" functions which must not be conflated with "psychological" functions which is all a way of rigid categorization in order to charge you up the nose through insurance.

HARU: i wonder, yuzu, how life would change if we valued it.but no one does. not even us.

yuzu: i have a migraine disorder caused by traumatic stress.OMIKAZE can see inside the box and determine the state of the chick.whether, as schrodinger asks, the chick is alive or dead.the black box of the brain is schrodinger's shell, but no one cares to speak of the conditions within which the animal, dead or alive, is in. they only speak of its state, its fate.

HARU: no, if the cat ends up dead in the original paradox,THEY WILL NOT ASK WHAT KILLED IT.~they will not ask who killed it ~

二卵【FUTAGO = omikaze + yuzu】:BUT THERE ARE ALWAYS THINGS THAT KILL THE CAT, KILL THE CHICK,and if the chick is boiled alive, or the shell is smashed from the outside...the chick will not survive....BUT SOMETIMES IT SPLITS INTO TWO.(omikaze): yuzu, this is me and you.

HARU: what conditions must there be for the black box, for the organism inside it, to survive?生き物は。。。空へ見えるのことが必要だと思いますよ、柚子様。臣風皇帝。for a living, breathing thing...the sky, where heaven lives, must be visible, i think, yuzu-sama. emperor omikaze.

yuzu: but no one truly cares about what conditions are necessary for an organism, a living, breathing thing to thrive.such things are a privilege to ask, they say. such philosophies are useless, outdated ways...or rings for MEN THAT WERE BORN THAT WAY to circlejerk each other and masturbate

HARU: philosophy is how you stay alive. it's about staging dilemmas and watching the actors play their parts, "philosophizing" about the outcome, the endless possible outcomes.THE INFINITY LOOP

二卵【FUTAGO = omikaze + yuzu】: I WANT THE CHICK TO LIVE, HARUCCHI. haruichi, we want the chick to live. tell me, does it live this time? does it live?can you tell me whether the chick lives or dies, whether its egg blackens into soot and crushed bone and cindered ash, turning into glassed sand, into mossy loam...if the chick dies, tell me, INOUE HARUICHI,tell me if the chick gets to return to the forest.TELL ME IF SHE GETS TO GO HOME.

haru: i...

OMIKAZE: I DONT CARE IF I EVER SEE HEAVEN. I JUST WANT TO BE HOME. i want to dig a hole in the dirt, a network, like the rabbit yuzu is, to save him, to see him live, i want to see her live, i want her to live i want her to live i want to live to live to live(i know my existence is temporary, it was always meant that way, that's just how it is)I DONT WANT TO BE NECESSARY, I JUST WANT YUZU TO LIVE.

haru: i wish i could tell you, omikaze. i wish i could know.BUT YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEATED ME IN GO. you have come close to witnessing the hand of god, and the only reason why you haven't, i think, is because YOU DON'T WANT ME TO KNOW.heaven alone keeps its secrets. heaven alone must.but yuzu wishes to spill them to me like yolk.

YUZU: i want you to know. what i know about heaven. i want you to know what i know about god, that omikaze, that i, am a descendant of the god who made heaven, the EMPEROR OF HEAVEN, OMI'IE, who designed the infinity loop and let it loose and in it, became forever lost himself.re-living and re-animating and re-staging the enactment of those halcyon days where he could live with his first and last love.

HARU: ...

yuzu: the first love i ever had raped me. and the second and third and every one after that. do i know what love is? i don't. and i don't think i can get it back.something was taken from me. now i am a ghost, but not in the way that most think.I AM A DREAM ILLUMINATED. a dream in the shape of a human being.オレの形は人間じゃなくて、ヒトビトみたいな夢の形があるんだ。

Haru: i hope, i thinkthat we can find love together, you and i who were so deceived.the man who taught me go raped me. time and time again.FOR A LONG TIME, I THOUGHT HE FUCKED THE TALENT OUT OF ME.but i found a different path back to the hand of god.I THINK IT'S IN YOUR HANDS, YUZU.YOU, NOT EVEN OMIKAZE.

yuzu: i don't know what to do.i dont want to live without omi. omi'ie. omikaze.but i think i will die if i have to know all that i know about heaven and god. i think i will have to die. i don't want to die, haru.i only just started feeling like...オレはオマエと一緒には気持ちいい。愛の形がよく分からなくても、ハルッチと一緒に。。。気持ちいいよ。you make me feel good. fucking, and outside of it. you make fucking feel good, and you make me feel good outside of it. i feel good just being together with you.

HARU: SO CHOOSE, YUZU.will you stay here, living in a dream, as a dream in the shape of a man who is a girl who is god and the world,will you stay with me, living in the dream together where we can be happy? IT'S NOT REAL, I KNOW.I KNOW IT'S NOT REAL.
_{i know}but i'd rather live at all. even in a dark room, a dark house that sees no sun, with a citron emperor who sees no sky, no heaven,THAN SEE YOU DIE, AND DIE WITHOUT YOU.

yuzu: ...

...

yuzu: _{the choice is made for me}i will live. seeking 愛の形, the shell that holds love, the black box of the shell that holds love, something i have never known, something that was smashed and broke out of me like spilled yolk and shattered eggshell._{i will look perhaps for the rest of my life}but i will live because i know i must. and if living a dream is the only way i can live with myself. so be it.in that way, i'll be a ghost.we can be ghosts together.

haru: i love you, yuzu. あなたが好きです。yuzu: 好きってもいいよ。i permit you to love me._{オレは自分の好きな十進が欲しがっている。i wish for the courage to love me.}i'll spend the rest of my life with you looking for it.HARU: to eternity, then.